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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Robot Sweatshop's Guide to Finding the Ultimate Halloween Costume!

What's up, loyal Robot Sweatshopaholics! We are coming up on the last week of October and the most popular question running through many people's minds is....

"What the @#$% am I going to be for Halloween?"

Here are some rules to follow when you use your noodle to come up with the perfect costume:

1. If you are happy with it, screw what other people think.
In a world full of opinions, the most important one is your own. Do not to worry about how your costume will be perceived by everyone who will sees it. If you are passionate about a particular movie, comic book, video game or music group then by all means use it as an idea. If you love the movie Timecop, go get that pompadour/mullet wig; if you are a big fan of the comic Silver Surfer, go get that silver bodysuit and genital stuffing; and if you are obsessed with the band Limp Biscuit, you are not allowed anywhere near me on Halloween.

2. Going random is good, but try to be aware of where the line is.
Being unique is definitely appreciated on Halloween, but you also run the risk of looking like a complete goon. You shouldn't expect everyone to know what you are trying to be, but you should be able to explain it and get a few "Oh yeah!" responses throughout the night. If you tell someone who you are supposed to be and you get an "O......K" reaction, you may have tried too hard to stand out.

Here are some examples of what I am talking about:
Good: The blue dude from Watchmen who shows his dong the whole movie (Dong optional).
Bad: The dude from the shitty Wolverine movie that is in the Black Eyed Peas. Who the f was that anyway?

Good: Any guitarist or lead singer from any popular band.
Bad: Any bassist that has ever lived with the exception of Flea, Les Claypool and Lemmy. (And Paul McCartney. -- Dan)

3. Go big or go home...or just stay home and pass out candy to kids.
If you aren't into Halloween and you just go with the plainest thing you can think will come across like a lame-o or Halloween version of Scrooge. Not wanting to dress up and wear something fun is like not wanting presents on Christmas, not wanting turkey on Thanksgiving, or not wanting your parents to draw fake bunny tracks on your front walkway on Easter. (Is my buddy Greg's parents the only ones who did that?) What I am trying to get at is you should just stay home with that kind of attitude and pass out candy to the next generation of Halloween lovers. Look at it as your penalty for being such a buzzkill. You boring jerk.

4. Popular culture is always a good idea as long as you remember to keep it POPULAR.
There are plenty of stories in the news that you can use as inspiration to put together a costume, but you need to make sure people will remember what the story is. I would avoid going back more than 2-3 months when thinking of your idea. I am sure we will see plenty of balloon boys out on Halloween; hopefully we will not see too many Octo-moms.

5. Buying a costume at a Halloween store. Ugh.*
Like every holiday, there is plenty of money to be made by commercializing the celebration. There are plenty of party stores out there that for one month each year sell pre-made costumes to those who are too lazy to put in some actual effort. Occasionally you can strike gold going with this option, but the odds of seeing someone else with the same costume you thought was awesome is pretty high. Most of the costumes are so boring they are the equivalent of you wearing a sign that says “What's the point?". I would also like to add that if I see one more couple dressed up as a plug and a socket I will double-clothesline them.
* I have only one reason to ever go to a Halloween store and it is only if you absolutely cannot think of any solid ideas, which leads to my next tip.

6. When all else fails, you can always take an overdone idea and turn it on its ass.
I understand it's not always easy to find the perfect idea, especially if you wait until the last minute. So if you are scrapped for time, go to one of these Halloween stores, buy something you’ve seen before and add some kind of comedic element to it. For example adding a zombie element to any costume idea gives it instant credibility, like a celebrity you hate with a passion. What better way to say you wish someone were dead than to go out as them for Halloween, only in zombie form?

Zombie Spencer Pratt? Cha-ching!
Zombie Britney Spears for the ladies? Jackpot!
Zombie Patrick Swayze? What’s wrong with you? Too soon!

7. Comfort is key.
Halloween usually involves drinking, dancing, and the occasional 5 minute breather. You want to be able to accomplish these feats without your own costume getting in the way. As fun as it would be to make your own Optimus Prime costume, you are not that talented to make it work, and drinks will be spilled. Do not sacrifice your own comfort to try and stand out; there are plenty of ways to make a costume that will allow you to pull off the sickest of dance moves.

8. Hatred can also inspire greatness.
It does not always have to be movies you love; despising a movie to the point where the only thing that can come out of your mouth is laughter is a great way to create a costume. Seems like everyone these days won't shut up about this Twilight movie. I'll admit it, I saw that piece of shit and while I would love to go on about how awful it was, instead I will tell you that creating a costume to look like the douche-bag lead actor would be hilarious and pretty easy to accomplish.

9. Play-on-words costumes, while not my style, if done right can be GREAT SUCCESS!
Being as immature as a 29-year-old can be, I have heard it all when it comes to dirty words and phrases, and if you can translate this into your Halloween outfit, then you have my blessing.This task will require you to most likely explain your costume often because people love to ask you "What the hell are you supposed to be?”. If you have the patience for the possible dull reaction some people will give you, then you are the right person to take a shot at pulling this off. Some examples of dirty phrases I am referring to are the following:

Dirty Sanchez
Donkey Punch
Abe Lincoln (Don't ask)
Cincinnati Bowtie
Tony Danza

10. Anything involving a mustache, real or fake, is the tits.
That sentence is pretty self-explanatory; I do not need to say anymore.

Good luck this year, if you would like your awesome costume recognized, send a picture to and we will put it up on the site!

1 comment:

Dan Brooks said...

#8 is very true. Good first post, Sir Michael!